Own your truth

Much of the dialogue about truth and honesty with children centers around being honest with others and telling the truth.  While those values are highly important to cultivating safe and nurturing relationships, another aspect of truth telling is being comfortable speaking our own truth, which ultimately leads to a life of authenticity and fulfillment.

Our truth is different from our opinion.  Our truth is about how we feel and runs deeper than a judgment or perspective on a certain situation.  Our truth is that little voice inside of us.  It’s  that internal compass that knows our true north, so to speak.

The other day, I caught my daughter and our neighbors playing in our backyard.  I caught them trying to climb over a fence in our yard and immediately put the kibosh on their little plan.  When I spoke with my daughter later I asked her why she made that choice.  As children tend to do, she blamed the other children and said “they told me to do it” . This was the perfect opening for my next question which was “was there a little voice inside of you that knew it was wrong?”  She looked up at me with her big eyes and whispered yes and then gave me a hug.  It prompted a healthy discussion about listening to that inner voice and reminded me of one of my favorite poems to share with kids:  It’s called The Voice by Shel Silverstein.

“There is a voice inside of you
that whispers all day long,

I feel that this is right for me,
I know that this is wrong."

No teacher, preacher, parent, friend
or wise man can decide

what's right for you - just listen to
the voice that speaks inside.”

While speaking with children about being honest in their conversations with others we also want to remind them that the most important person they need to be honest with is themselves.

Speaking hard truths

Growing up my parents often believed they were sheltering and protecting me by not telling me the truth about difficult situations.  Even today as an adult I still feel that they often don’t tell me the entire truth so as not to worry or upset me.  

Now that I am a parent I understand the difficulty of sharing hard truths with my children yet I know that I am doing my children a disservice if I chose to push the difficult conversations under the rug.  Children are intuitive by nature and closely connected to source energy.  When we lie or selectively omit the truth they can feel that and internalize it.  It may also cause them to question their own intuitive nature. 

When life throws us hard truths we want to be open with our children in an age appropriate way.  As adults we have to ask ourselves if the omission of the truth is more about making ourselves feel comfortable rather than protecting our children.  When we are truthful by speaking to our children age appropriately about difficult situations we leave the dialogue open for them to ask questions and model the importance of speaking truth even when it’s not always easy.

Below are some pointers on broaching difficult topics with your children.  

• Create a safe space to talk.  Say “I know these topics are hard to talk about and I want you to always ."

• Be sensitive to children’s emotions.  You can start by acknowledging how the situation makes you feel. and ask your child, "What are you feeling right now?"

• Reassure with both words and gestures. Say, "Our Family is safe”  Hugs and snuggling go a long way too! 

• Acknowledge feelings – yours and theirs. Say, "It's OK to feel angry or confused. Those feelings are natural and we all feel them.

• KISS: Break down issues to their simplest terms.  For example,  For hate crimes, say, "There are groups of people that are not treated fairly or equally.  For death - “Nana died. She is not coming back.”

• Reassure that someone is in charge. Say, "Mommy and Daddy (or your grown-up) is protecting our family. 

• Find out what they know. For older children you will want to find out what they’ve already heard. Be simple and direct in your answers and try to stay away from too much details. 

• Look for positives. Like Mr Rogers reminds said when we see or read something scary in the news “we can look for the helpers.  You will always find people who are helping.” 

Practice healthy communication

Healthy communication with our children and students is a pillar for healthy relationships.  When speaking about trust and honesty with children it’s important to explain the difference between the truth and being brutally honest.  Young children have a knack for being unfiltered and saying whatever is on their mind.  I can remember  when my girls were younger and we were at the airport, my youngest (must have been 4 years old at the time)  looked at an older gentleman and said quite loudly - “Wow, Mommy - look how old that man is.  He is so old!”  Eek - I was mortified!

We want to instill the practice of both Satya (Truthfulness) and Ahimsa (Non-Violence in actions and words).   For example, even if my daughter did not have fun at her friend’s birthday and thought it was boring I don’t want her to announce “Your birthday party was boring and I did not have fun!”  Balancing honesty with compassion is a skill we can aim to start teaching in the early years.

I’ve found using the 3 gates method an effective way to teach the importance of balancing Satya (truth)  with Ahimsa. (Non-Violence)  Before speaking we ask ourselves the following 3 questions.

• Is it true?

• Is it kind?

• Is it necessary?

If the answers to the 3 gates are all yes then go ahead and speak what’s on your mind.  However, if the answers to the 3 gates remain uncertain it may be best to speak with a grown-up first and explain the situation before speaking it to others.   This method teaches kids that even if something is true if it is also unkind and unnecessary we may want to refrain from saying it or speak to a safe adult first about the thoughts and feelings you are having before sharing it with others.

Protect kids cyber activity

cyberfareedah.com

Lauren: Our theme for the month of May at The Bean Spot is Trust and Honesty.  I have the pleasure of speaking with Fareedah Shah, also known as Cyber Fareedah.  Fareedah is an award winning Forbes ‘30 Under 30,’ online safety educator, which means  she helps parents protect their kids online, holistically. 

Fareedah, my first question for you is, what's your overall philosophy on parents establishing open and honest communication regarding their child's cyber life and cyber activity?

Fareedah: I help parents protect their kids online, holistically. What I mean by that is giving kids the freedom they want, and the safety they need, and that comes from building a foundation of connection, communication and trust.

Lauren: I love what you say about balancing freedom and safety.  It’s not about taking the tech  completely away, but being open about their usage.

Fareedah: Yes, I mean, you can delay their usage, yet, it doesn't mean that they're not going to be exposed to it.  Instead, we want to give them the foundation to protect themselves so when they do go online, they have a basic understanding of your values as a family.  

Lauren: Can you define what you mean by a holistic view?  

Fareedah: Absolutely. So, it is not just looking at the tech. When we think about protecting kids online, a lot of us jump to parental controls or parental monitoring.  When I say holistic, I mean, you're prioritizing your own inner feelings first.  You can't give your kids the space they need, and the understanding of the world that they need, without understanding what it means to love yourself, and giving yourself a safe space.

When kids understand what it really means to hold space for themselves, they can then understand how to hold space for other people.  This also helps your kids understand wellness and data ethics.  For kids who understand that, they're going to do super well in their world once they get older, because tech is not going away.

Lauren: Wow!  I didn't think how much of an overlap there would be between the work that Yogi  Beans does and the work that you do.  A big part of our methodology is that we go beyond the pose. We are teaching practical life skills with a focus on character building, and values such as self-love, self-confidence, and self-worthiness.  It makes sense that if you feel good about yourself and you love yourself, your cyber activity is going to be healthier too. You’re not going to want to bully people; you'll know when something doesn't feel good to you. 

Can mindfulness help cyber activity?

Fareedah: Oh, yes, absolutely. The more we're mindful about our activities online, the easier it is for us to protect ourselves and our kids.  The simple act of thinking before you're sharing information and checking in with our feelings; asking how is that going to affect me or other people before I click. Is this something that I really want to do? Am I posting this because I feel the need to or because I have to keep up with my friends and society.  Or am I posting this because I truly want this information out?  There is this big boom of wanting to become an influencer. So sitting down with your kids and saying being an influencer is perfectly is great. However, what do you want to do with that influence? What are you trying to gain from it? What was the impact that you want to make?  So you're being really mindful of every step that you take online and pausing before you post.  

Lauren: Before you react, pausing before you press that post button is very important. Do you have a favorite mindfulness practice to develop safe and healthy cyber activity? 

Fareedah: It's going to sound very simple, yet, I believe that you and your community would understand. I always say pausing and breathing and checking in with yourself and your emotions helps you prevent yourself from becoming victims of scams, and victims of grooming. 

I also believe the practice of healing yourself and going through an emotional journey to heal your inner wounds, breathing, and taking time to slow down, all supports healthy cyber activity. Everything is connected, all of our energies. When we're teaching kids how to operate in the online space, we are teaching about consent, and that goes into privacy, which then goes into safety.  Another thing to consider is, as adults, are we thinking about the consensual posting of our kids, and what stories we tell people online? Are we making sure that our children are aware that we are opening up private moments in our household.  You might be telling your child not to do one thing; yet, then you violate their privacy and their autonomy by doing other things.

Lauren: Right, that definitely ties in to trust and honesty and openness.  What you said about emotional posting really resonates. Even as adults, we may post something, and then we delete it, thinking why did I do that? Tying healthy cyber habits into our emotional state makes so much sense.

Fareedah: Absolutely. We post a lot of information about ourselves, so yes!

Lauren: How can teachers incorporate the idea of healthy cyber activity into their classes?

Fareedah: By talking about it. Having open conversations and talking about their personal experiences, and having it be a discussion.  Listening to the kids is really important.  Sometimes we can forget that the people that we're trying to impact - their opinions of the impact matters.  This helps us evolve and have better and more elevated conversations.  When you're being listened to as a human being, you're more open.

Lauren: Absolutely.  We need to listen to what our children or students are saying. When we feel seen and heard we are more inclined to be honest because we feel our opinions are valued. 

We are especially seeing the effects that cyber activity has on children’s mental health.  On a societal level, where are we at with having open and honest communication with children about their cyber life and activity?

Fareedah: We're getting better at it. I believe over the years we've realized that children's voices matter. The access children have to the internet provides a certain freedom.  If you really want to know what kids are thinking about, rest assured there is a forum or a chat room you can find information.  The internet has good, bad, ugly and beautiful sides to it. To understand what children are feeling we need to make room to search for the information. 

Lauren: What would happen if we don't develop open and honest communication with our children about their cyber usage?

Fareedah: Well, in one word: disaster.  It's not going to be pretty because we're going to start becoming more controlling and control does not does not give us the results we want. When you try to control people, even if the control is coming from a well-intentioned place, it's never going to work. This is why I'm so such an advocate for the holistic view of safety and security and starting from within. 

Lauren: Can you speak to that balance between communication and privacy and your child’s cyber usage?

Fareedah:  I am actively working to change my mind about balance. What I’ve found is every time I talk about balance it turns into a lot of Type A control in terms of, we did 60% here, so we have to be 40% here, etc.  The way that I love to teach is by removing balance all together, and changing your perspective to think about it as harmony. How can I harmonize communication, and privacy? Thinking about what works best for me and my child, in this moment, and not feeling guilty that it may change day-to-day or month-to-month or year-to-year based off of what they have told me or the information I know about them.  Parent and child are both human beings and both flowing through this space; they need what is best for each of them in certain moments so it really is just about finding that balance.

Lauren: That makes a lot of sense. There's a synergy between those two words.  I can see how balance may make you feel things have to be equal, which can turn into rigidness.  I like the use of Harmony! 

Fareedah: I've seen it work better in terms of changing the mindset about cyber usage. There's not a lot of guilt and questioning if this working and then if it's not, we change it around. 

Lauren: Ah, external versus internal.  Yes, I think that is very helpful to think about. Is there anything else you would like to share about honesty and communication with regards to children's cyber activity?

Fareedah: I think what we talked about is a setting up great foundation.  Going back to the holistic viewpoint, people have to invest in making time to heal themselves and it could be something as simple and as powerful as yoga and breath work, or picking up a book. One of the books I really love, it just came to my head, is called The Body Keeps Score.

Lauren: Yes!  By Bessel Vander Kolk.  That book was eye opening and I spoke about that book for so long and recommended it to everyone I spoke with!

Fareedah: I mean, it's so good, right?  So, giving your kids and yourself that understanding. When you start seeing things online you can think, “oh, this person does not have self-worthiness or self- love.” You would never comment that way if that self-love was present within you.  It's understanding those things as the first step. So, I would love to leave with that.

Lauren: It's doing the inner work, whether it's through reading or meditation, whatever it is. But doing that inner work first will permeate to how you handle yourself online.

Fareedah: Exactly 

Lauren: So much of what you said holds a synergy with the work we do and I wasn't necessarily expecting that. I'm so happy I reached out to speak!  Can you just tell people where they can find you and if you have any trainings coming up?

Fareedah: I’m @cyberfareedah on all platforms.  I have daily videos on YouTube where I talk a lot about holistic online safety. I also delve deep into certain topics about what it really means to protect kids on gaming sites. Actually, my most viewed video so far is the one I did on Roblox. 

Lauren: Yes. I watched that one because Roblox is a thing in our house!  Fareedah, Thank you so much for speaking to me.  I’ve learned a lot and the work you are doing to protect our kids and educate parents on healthy cyber usage is so important!