Seeing children for who they are
As a child I was lovingly referred to as “Loony Lauren.” My mother says that I was a quirky child, putting on shows for anyone that would watch. I had a vivid imagination and preferred playing solo than with groups of friends. I've always walked to the beat of my own drum and found a certain contentment being on the fringe and not following the herd. With that said I acknowledge I am a cis-genered white women and my quirkiness was something I chose and not put upon me by society, which I imagine is where the state of contentment came from.
The question I ask myself is: how can we ensure that every child, no matter their background, race, gender, ability, or sexual orientation, knows that it is 100% acceptable for them to be exactly who they are? They need not change any part of themself to please or meet societal standards. As parents and teachers, what can we do to help our children be secure in their being and honor their truest self?
I believe the answer lies in listening to them – I mean really listening and seeing them for who they are, and not who we want them to be. There is a beautiful poem in the book, The Prophet, by Kahil Gibran titled On Children. He says on children, “They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.” Each time I read the poem I am reminded that although as parents we helped create and nurture our children into being - they are very much their own autonomous self and we must be prudent not to try and make them like us or deny their individuality because it differs from how we want or thought they would be.
When a child comes to us and questions their identity or shares a story or reflection of an experience we can listen with open and honest ears without judgment or motive. As a parent, I understand that this can be challenging if we sense our child’s choice or identity may cause them hardship or challenges in the future. The hardest thing for a parent is seeing our child hurt or in pain. However, by not acknowledging our child’s authentic self we ourselves become the hardship and end up hurting them whether or not that was our intention.
By supporting our child’s interests and helping them develop the areas in their lives which bring them enjoyment and delight we are showing them that we see them and accept them for who they are. If your son enjoys dolls get him the dolls - If your daughter loves playing with toy trucks by her the trucks. If your teenage son wants to wear nail polish to school go to CVS and choose colors together. When a child feels accepted and loved in their home they will be more likely to go out into the world feeling whole and loved for who they are.
The truth is not everyone is going to like you and not everyone is going to like your child - and as hard as that may be to hear that is OKAY! Teaching our children and students that outside approval and validation does not go nearly as far as cultivating self-love and self- worthiness are essential to become a self-actualized adult.
Below are a few of my favorite children’s books that speak to honoring your unique, individual and authentic self.
